A Note To Loud Chewers

Dear Loud Chewers of the world,

It’s time I come clean, and stop sitting here in silence and taking this abuse…I’m still not over the whole chewing with your mouth open thing. It’s really bothering me, and has been for the last 25 years of my life. Why is it necessary to chew like a horse, breathe like a behemoth and lick your fingers like curly sue? Actually, you don’t sound or look like curly sue, just a buffalo who’s hungry and has resorted to eating fingers. It’s so ugly! Was I the only one that was brought up to chew quietly and normally. I am not interested in hearing what your loud mouth has to offer. I also, don’t like when you spit your food on me. It’s rude, and impolite, and you should not be marching over to me with a buffet of food in your mouth. I like Niagra Falls, not Foodagra Falls, thank you very much.

If my mom taught me how to chew properly, then you can do it too. I will be giving tutorials, at a low rate of $5 an hour. It’s called Hillarys-School-Of-Learning-To-Chew-With-Your-Gross-Mouth-Closed-School-Of-Etiquette.

Thanks so much, and have a lovely day.

Goodbye.